My real job is with a small entrepreneurial subset of a giant megatrillion dollar global entity.  I work from home, when I’m not traveling to our corporate office, satellite office, or any other location around the globe.  It’s the life of a rockstar, I tell ya.

First, let me say that I love my job and the amazing opportunities it affords me to meet amazing people and travel to places I would never have the opportunity to see otherwise.  Hopefully this acknowledgement will keep any professional superiors or colleagues from being pissed off at me for exposing the view of my “work from home” life.

When people are told that I work from a home office, the common response is envy.  This glimpse into my life is for you people.  It ain’t all roses.

Sometime between 04:00 and 06:00 –  Wake up.  Grab phone from nightstand and check emails.  If there are none, check internet connection, because something’s catastrophically wrong. Otherwise, review and answer anything that is A) critical or B) easy. Try to go back to sleep.

Sometime between 04:30 and 06:30 –  Accept the fact that you can’t go back to sleep because your brain already woke up when you were reading emails.  Check the weather.  Throw on something (in the dark) temperature appropriate, grab phone, Starbucks insulated tumbler (with whatever liquid is leftover from last night), and head outside with the dogs.

07:00 – Corral the dogs back into the house.  Check for overnight “accidents” from senior Great Dane.  Feed & water dogs. Turn on news.  Go back to emails, check schedule for the day. Check Facebook for birthday notifications and peruse status updates for A) bad news and B) good news.  Comment accordingly.

08:00 – Finish whatever was in the Starbucks cup from the night before with a grimace, and go find a new beverage.  Think about making eggs and toast, but instead grab berries, yogurt, leftover pizza, or a chocolate bar out of the fridge and eat it.  Begin Skype-ing with other colleagues to check for emergencies.

08:15 – Give in and play with the dogs so they stop whining.

08:30 – Attempt to work on longer term projects / tasks (there are always 3-8 in various states of completion) while dogs settle down.  One giant canine head is on my lap, one big dog is stretched out across my feet, and one is across the room giving me the sad eyes because they didn’t get a good spot.

08:31 – House phone rings; ignore.

08:32 – Text on personal phone asking where I am and if I’m busy.  I answer “Home.  Working.”  “Why didn’t you answer the phone?” “Working.” “Do you have a minute?” Ignore.

8:33 – Back to project picking.

10:40 – Husband comes downstairs and asks why I’m dressed like this.  Checks the Caller ID and asks what each of the 6 callers wanted.  I respond that I didn’t answer any of them, and he should call his mother.

10:41 – Head to kitchen to make coffee and talk to husband.  Remember  my morning prescriptions / supplements that I was supposed to take with breakfast.  Refill my Starbucks cup.

11:00 – Realize I haven’t been checking emails while working on long term project.  There are 20+, a majority of them having the dreaded red ! next to them.  Dammit.  Start digging in my electronic files for the correct data to answer one of the ! questions, and curse my filing.

11:30 – Find the correct data in an absolutely incorrect file, but get it done.  Back to project work.

11:35 – Time to let the dogs out again.  We all hit the porch, and the youngest (read:  not well trained) one catches a view of SOMETHING moving (bird, leaf, squirrel, moth, rabbit, piece of paper…..it doesn’t matter really) and takes off like a bullet after it.

11:50 – Return to house with all dogs.  Depending on weather, I will either be muddy, sweating, rain soaked, or freezing from getting the youngest one out of the woods or the field.

12:30 – Think about lunch.  Realize I have a call scheduled in 30 minutes, so decide to put a load of laundry in instead.  No, you’re not crazy….it is a completely illogical train of thought.

1:00 – Listening to horrible “on hold” music on the conference call line. Forward a sarcastic email to the one friend who will  not be offended.

1:20 – Finally, all attendees are on the conference call so we can start.

2:30 – Finish call, compile follow up correspondence, and realize I’m starving.  Too late to eat a big lunch,  because dinner is just a few hours away.  Think about something healthy, like a salad.  Find 4 leftover chicken nuggets and some Red Vines instead.  Refill Starbucks cup.

2:45 – Realize I have to pick up a child from school.  Take dogs back outside for a romp before I leave.

3:00 – Drive to the school and wait in the ridiculously long pick up queue for 2nd graders.  Answer emails and return phone calls.  Finally text back “Sure.  What’s up?”  Get an immediate phone call voicing frustration that it took me almost 7 hours to answer a text.  Verify that the caller has no memory of what the original conversation subject was, and feel vindicated in my choice to ignore for 7 hours.

3:42 – Giant bundle of energy explodes into car with jacket and backpack and art project flying.  Let 100 MPH conversation begin.  Start counting the number of “Hey, Grandma….” sentences, and give up after 35.

4:10 – Arrive home and get child situated on homework.  Prepare peanut butter crackers, milk, and 4 orange sections for child.  Eat the rest of the orange.  Refill Starbucks cup for 5th time.

5:15 – Get dinner started, check homework, get the mail, gather a second load of laundry, notice that I didn’t close the lid on the first load which has now been sitting in water for hours.  Dammit.

7:00 – Skype meeting with colleagues on other side of the globe because it’s the middle of the work day there.  Bribe child for quiet during the meeting.

7:45 – Life happens.  Errands, TV, write blog posts, uninterrupted conversation with husband/friends/kids/grandkids.  Snuggle time with dogs.

10:30 – Check email, respond, verify next day’s calendar, start making a list in my head of everything that didn’t get done.  Find Tosh.0, Daily Show, Big Bang Theory, Family Guy, or other humor on TV to get my mind off of everything else.  Refill Starbucks tumbler and head to bed.

11:00 to 12:30 – Curse at the insomnia, play Sudoku on phone to numb brain.  Eventually drift off.

3:10 – Wake up for no apparent reason. Back to sleep.

Sometime between 04:00 and 06:00 –  Wake up.  Grab phone from nightstand and check emails.  If there are none, check internet connection, because something’s catastrophically wrong. Otherwise, review and answer anything that is A) critical or B) easy. Try to go back to sleep…………..

I know, I know….you can’t believe I get PAID for this.  Me either.  It IS an enviable gig, and except for those times that it drives me insane, I love it.